


The Plot Of Kingdom Hearts, A Brief Poem

by Sophia_Surname



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Gen, Plot Summary, Prose Poem, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-17
Updated: 2019-01-17
Packaged: 2019-10-11 18:10:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,539
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17451869
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sophia_Surname/pseuds/Sophia_Surname
Summary: ASMR I rant the plot of Kingdom Hearts in a free form poem





	The Plot Of Kingdom Hearts, A Brief Poem

The plot of Kingdom Hearts  
Really isn’t that hard

The entire universe was fractured  
Because 5 assholes couldn’t trust each other  
Because some other asshole told one of them there was a traitor  
So those 5 made their armies of teenagers fight to the death  
Which is kind of a running theme here

An eternity later,  
Leonard Nimoy decides he wants to remake the universe  
But he’s using the power of darkness  
So he has to be stopped  
He’s really really old,  
So he tricks two teens and a tween into furthering his plans  
And possesses one of the teens  
And strands the other in the deepest darkness

And Mickey Mouse leaves her there  
That’s not a joke,  
Like how Leonard Nimoy voices that big bad guy  
Whose name is Xehanort  
And then Terra-Xehanort  
And later Xehanort again but no one recognizes him  
Mickey Mouse literally strands a teenager in hell

There’s some stuff about the tween  
How Leonard Nimoy split him in two  
One of light, and one of dark  
And to heal, he put his heart  
(which is just a soul)  
Into a child named Sora  
The other half of that tween is named Vanitas  
And he’s supposed to be dead forever  
But he’s back in 3  
Which is kind of a running theme here

A few years later, Leonard Nimoy isn’t Leonard Nimoy anymore  
In a few more years he’ll be Billy Zane  
His name is Xehanort again right now  
And I don’t know who voices him  
Anyway, he’s a scientist now  
For whatever reason  
Working for a king named Ansem  
Xehanort steals Ansem’s name and banishes him  
To that hell realm that Mickey Mouse knows about  
And then kills all 6 other apprentices  
And eventually he’ll kill some other folks  
But they’re not really dead, they’re fractured  
And they’re going to be the bad guys  
Then he kills himself the same way,  
And splits himself into two  
Which is kind of a running theme here

So now Xehanort is named Ansem, and he’s split himself in two  
And one of them is named Ansem  
And the other one is named Xemnas  
Which is an anagram of Ansem with an X in it  
And you may notice now  
That Xehanort is an anagram plus an X  
Of No Heart  
Which is weird  
Because he explicitly has a heart  
Because Ansem (the new split one) is a Heartless  
Who are beings made of Hearts

Anyway  
Ansem the Heartless  
He possesses Sora’s best friend Riku  
You remember Sora?  
The child whose heart is filled with the heart of that tween  
That Xehanort really fucked up?  
He’s a tween now too  
And he’s got this friend named Riku  
Who like I said  
Gets possessed by Ansem, who is half of Ansem, who is really named Xehanort  
So Sora’s world gets destroyed  
And he and Riku and their friend Kairi are the only survivors  
And do you think Sora’s sad about his world  
Or at least his parents?  
No  
No fucking way  
He never mentions his parents  
His mom tells him dinner is ready right before the world ends  
And he never thinks about her again

Anyway  
Did I mention that everything in between is happening in versions of Disney movies?  
Like those teenagers and that tween  
They’re all friends with Stitch  
You know  
Experiment 626?

So Sora runs around with Donald Duck and Goofy  
Making the Disney worlds safer  
And eventually finds Riku  
Who sure seems evil now!  
And then he finds Kairi  
Who sure seems comatose now!

It turns out that Kairi’s heart is inside Sora’s heart  
So Sora  
He fucking stabs himself in the chest  
You watch a tween stab himself in a chest  
And he dies  
And Kairi stops being comatose  
But then Sora comes back to life because Kairi loves him

So Sora figures out Riku is possessed by Ansem  
Who is half of Ansem who is really Xehanort  
And eventually dives into destroyed worlds  
And defeats Ansem (the heartless half of Ansem)  
And saves the Universe

Now in the meantime  
That teen that Mickey stranded in hell?  
She’s been walking through hell for something like 10 years  
And Mickey sees her there while he’s hanging out in Hell  
Because that’s what Mickey Mouse does these days  
She’s losing hope  
Because Mickey Mouse stranded her in hell  
And she thinks her friends are dead  
And they kind of are  
Anyway she helps Mickey Mouse  
And he leaves her in hell again  
And doesn’t tell anyone for two to three years  
Because Mickey Mouse is incompetent  
(Except at extending copyright)

So now Sora heads to this weird castle  
Where a girl named Namine rewrites all his memories  
With her in place of Kairi  
Because she’s lonely  
And also because she’s half of Kairi  
Not the Heartless half  
She’s too pure to be a Heartless  
Because reasons  
No, Namine is a Nobody  
Beings who are apparently made of bodies without Hearts  
So the whole thing’s just a misnomer  
Which is kind of a running theme here

Anyway  
The 6 apprentices  
And 6 other folks  
That Xehanort (who was then going by Ansem)  
Killed  
They’ve been fractured into Nobodies  
And they’re living in this castle  
And they’re trying to kill Sora  
But also rewrite his memories?  
Then they put Sora to sleep for a year  
So he can regain his memories  
So nothing matters  
Except for the 6 dudes that Riku and Sora kill  
Which is kind of a running theme here

Meanwhile Riku’s not possessed by Ansem anymore  
But he’s in hell  
Like that teenager Mickey abandoned  
But this time  
I guess to redeem himself  
Mickey Mouse helps him get out of hell  
And into the basement of that castle  
Which by the way  
Is where the body of that Tween whose heart is in Sora’s heart lives  
He’s comatose though

Riku kills some of the dudes  
And finds his way out of the castle  
But now he looks like Ansem  
The half of Ansem (who was Xehanort) that Sora killed  
And that’s the plot of 4 of the 10 games  
I’m very tired now  
Because this is 1000 words long  
And I’m not even 40% done

Ok so while all this is happening  
Remember that time Sora stabbed himself in the fucking chest?  
Well that split him into two like all the other people  
His nobody is named Roxas  
And he spends a year using the Keyblade  
To kill the Heartless  
For Organization 13 (that’s the dudes that Riku’s been killing)  
Because he’s Sora’s nobody, he has the power  
To kill the heartless  
And release their hearts  
Anyone can do the first  
But only a Keyblade can do the second

But because he’s Sora’s nobody  
They don’t trust him  
So they make a clone of him  
Their name is Xion  
They usually use She pronouns  
But because they’re a clone of a nobody of a dude who’s tied to the other dudes  
She/They look like whoever the viewer expects  
So to Roxas she looks like a dark haired Kairi  
(He doesn’t remember Kairi)  
And to most people  
She looks like him or Sora  
But they don’t explain that very well  
So it’s kind of confusing  
But once you get it  
It’s cool  
Which is kind of a running theme here

Nobodies aren’t supposed to have hearts  
Which means they aren’t supposed to have emotions  
But they do have emotions  
Because Roxas and Xion and Axel become friends  
And also the Organization  
They spend a lot of time having fun or being angry  
So  
They totally have emotions  
But they want to get their hearts back  
So they’re trying to build an artificial kingdom hearts

But I haven’t explained what Kingdom Hearts is have I

Kingdom Hearts is the heart of all worlds  
Kind of?  
It’s locked up by the chi-blade  
Which is pronounced Key blade  
Which Leonard Nimoy was polite enough to occasionally pronounce Kye Blade  
So that we can talk about it coherently  
So like  
Those 5 fuckers who made a bunch of teenagers kill each other?  
They did that to try to summon Kingdom Hearts  
To force their boss to come back  
Which I don’t really know why they thought that would work?  
But it’s what they did

The chi-blade is the ultimate Keyblade  
It unlocks Kingdom Hearts

Now

When they shattered the world  
They also broke the chi-blade  
Into twenty pieces  
Seven of Light, Thirteen of Darkness  
And we’ll come back to that  
But kingdom hearts survived  
And it’s the source of all light

So then  
Leonard Nimoy was trying to summon the chi-blade  
So he could summon Kingdom Hearts  
So He could make the world in his image

Ok so now  
You see Kingdom Hearts for a second when the two teens and one tween kill Leonard Nimoy and Leonard Nimoy possesses one of them  
Because he made a busted ass chi-blade  
Which means Kingdom Hearts was there  
But the chi-blade breaks and Kingdom Hearts disappears

So Organization 13 is trying to make a Kingdom Hearts out of hearts  
Because they think that’ll make their hearts come back  
So there’s that

And that Ansem, half of Ansem, who is really Xehanort,  
He’s using Maleficent (from Sleeping Beauty)  
And Riku  
To try to get to Kingdom Hearts through the worlds

Ultimately both of them fuck it up  
But we’ll get back to that

The head of the organization is Xemnas  
The other half of Ansem who is realy Xehanort  
He’s not really trying to restore the organizations’ hearts  
He just wants Kingdom Hearts  
You know, to remake all of reality  
He brainwashed the nobodies  
Into thinking they don’t have emotions

Ok so Xion has to die to rebuild Sora’s memories  
Because Roxas has to die to rebuild Sora’s memories  
And Xion is part of Roxas  
Because that’s how clones work I guess?  
There’s also a clone of Riku running around  
I think he’s supposed to show up in 3  
So good luck with that

Ok so after a year, Roxas and Xion die  
And Sora wakes up  
And he doesn’t remember shit about his time in the castle  
But he has these phantom memories of his time as Roxas  
Which is existentially terrifying but whatever

So now Sora has to go to a bunch of Disney worlds and save them from the Organization  
At one point he goes to Disney Castle and hangs out with Minnie Mouse  
Who just casually casts Holy all the time  
Which is traditionally one of the most powerful spells in the universe  
So that’s kind of terrifying  
But anyway  
When he’s there  
Maleficent  
(who he had killed before but is back alive now)  
Makes Peg Leg Pete  
Time travel  
Yeah he fucking time travels  
Bodily  
Which later we find out isn’t possible  
So that’s great

Anyway pete fucks with himself and tries to rewrite his own history  
But sora stops him  
And hangs out with Mickey Mouse in the past  
And King Mickey (did I mention the Mickey Mouse who has been abandoning children in hell is a King)  
He never mentions shit about this  
Which is kind of a running theme here

Ok so like  
Sora kills more organization members  
And Axel  
(who was friends with Roxas)  
Becomes friends with Sora  
And gets himself killed to protect him

Then Sora goes and kills the rest of the Organization  
And DiZ is there  
DiZ is actually the original Ansem  
In disguise  
Trying to fuck up Xemnas’s plans  
Out of spite I guess?  
But he is like  
Ok  
Like  
God I don’t’ fucking know  
He and Namine put together Sora’s Memories together  
And made Riku kill Roxas  
And then like  
I don’t fucking know  
DiZ tries to turn the artificial kingdom harts into data  
Because that’s a good thing to do I guess?  
But he fucks it up  
Because a heart can’t be encoded

So the artificial kingdom hearts blows up  
And Xemnas goes into rage mode

So sora kills him  
With Riku’s help  
Kairi’s back too I guess

Ok so they spend some time recuperating  
Back home  
Those three  
And meanwhile Kingdom Hearts re:Coded happens  
Which I’m not even going to try to explain  
Because it doesn’t fucking matter  
Jiminy’s journal is fucked up because of Namine  
And Mickey creates a Sora made out of data to fix it  
And shit goes from there  
Maleficent and Pete show up  
And in the final version  
They mention the book written by that guy who made those five fuckers make teenagers kill each other  
Being connected to the Journal  
Which I don’t’ know where that’s going but I guess it’s important now  
And at the end  
Mickey and Yen Sid (from Fantasia, he’s kind of the boss of the good guys)  
They decide Riku and Sora need to become keyblade masters  
Because Ansem (who is really Xehanort) is back alive  
Because Ansem (the half of Ansem (who is really Xehanort)) who Sora killed first  
And Xemnas (the other half of you know the drill) are both dead  
Which brought the original Ansem-Xehanort back to life  
The same thing happened to all or most of his assistants by the way  
Including Axel, Roxas’s friend, who is now Lea again

We’re almost done  
Now we’re on Dream Drop Distance  
So Riku and Sora  
They have to become masters of the Keyblade  
Just like those teens from way back when  
Instead of just wielders  
Their test is to go into the “sleeping realm”  
Which is where worlds that were destroyed by the darkness but haven’t been restored hang out  
They have to free these worlds  
Which are dreaming

On the way there, a lot of shit happens  
And Xehanort starts time travelling into their dreams  
To fuck things up  
And he wants to possess Sora  
Kind of like how he possessed that teen way back when  
Because he originally made organization 13  
So he could possess each of them  
But now he has to find new dudes to do it  
Including himself, his young self, Ansem who was the heartless, Xemnas who was the nobody, Vanitas who is half of the tween who also lives in Sora’s heart I guess, the teenager that Mickey Mouse left in hell, and Revolver Ocelot  
And Lea (formerly Axel (formerly Lea)) saves the day with his new Keyblade  
And Kairi gets a Keyblade too  
Sora fucks up his test real bad so he fails  
But Riku passes and becomes a Keyblade Master  
And Yen Sid tells them that it’s finally time to rescue that teenager that Mickey left in hell for now like eleven years

By the way they visit like 2 different versions of France  
Including one where Mickey Mouse lives  
Again  
And Fantasia World  
Where another Mickey Mouse lives  
But they’re the memories of the same Mickey  
I don’t  
Fucking know man

So basically  
Yen Sid and Mickey Mouse are rebuilding the teen armies that ripped apart the entire fabric of reality  
Because that’s a great fucking idea  
And Xehanort is trying to create 13 versions of himself  
To carry 13 pieces of darkness  
So that they can meet seven pieces of light  
And become the chi blade  
So he can hang out in Kingdom Hearts

And that’s the plot of Kingdom Hearts


End file.
